CelebriPubes

Ben Affleck. No not the duck from the Aflac commercials, I’m talking about actor, Bostonian, and certified hunk Ben Affleck. I know what you’re thinking, the duck from the Aflac commercials is an actor and is hot and does have a Boston accent; but that’s not a Boston accent, that’s a duck accent you dumb fuck. Could the duck from the Aflac commercial pull the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner and Ana de Armas? I mean probably, he’s loaded. But so is Ben Affleck and he has a super sick back tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes. Is there anything more sexy than a middle aged divorced dad with a giant back tattoo and a Dunkin’ Donuts addiction who also chain smokes and has undiagnosed clinical depression? Somehow, no! There’s not! Anyone who’s seen those photos of Ben Affleck chain smoking outside of an unmarked building knows what I’m talking about. There’s just something about the desperation in his eyes and the lack of care for his lungs that’s so hot. The most powerful divorced dad energy on the planet. If harnessed correctly, I bet it could power 5,000 newly leased 1 bedroom apartments and awkward conversations about daddy’s new “friend” Stephanie. So powerful that he’s also rumored to be back with his former fiancé and hottest woman in the world, J Lo. Can you seriously picture J Lo fucking someone who has a regular order at Dunkin’ Donuts? Someone saying, “Hey babe I’m headed to Dunkin’, want me to pick you up the Charli cold brew?” and her responding in anyway other than “Get the fuck out of my house”? Neither can I but here we are.

So how does he do it? He hasn’t seriously acted in years and no I do not consider his performance in The Way Back to be serious acting because he was basically playing another version of himself. An alcoholic construction worker who is recruited to be head coach of the basketball team at his former high school? Yeah, that’s not a stretch. So if it’s not his acting, then it must be something else. Something more personal and less public… something pubic, even. Let’s all take a deep drag of our metaphorical cigarette and get ready to dive deep into Ben Affleck’s Dunkin’ stained shorts in this extremely divorced edition of Celebripubes.

If you couldn’t tell from that introduction, Ben Affleck is a busy man. From picking up his kids from soccer to acting in movies to going down on Jennifer Lopez, the man has a packed schedule. And as a busy man, he hardly has time to think about his pubes. But as we know from his gigantic back tattoo, cigarette drags, and prolific acting career—the man has a flair for the dramatic. But Ben Affleck is a guy’s guy. A simple man from Boston. A man who undeniably has a huge schlong. And as such, he doesn’t need to do any strategic trimming or shaping to make his dick look bigger than it is. But it still needed that signature Ben Affleck touch. That Argo treatment. That Boston janitor who’s actually an unrecognized genius vibe.

To achieve that same level of excellence, he enlisted his greatest collaborator. No I’m not talking about Matt Damon or Casey Affleck. I’m talking about Dunkin’ motherfucking Donuts. That’s right, Ben’s pubes run on Dunkin’. Ben took his pubes straight to Dunkin’ HQ and asked for their signature caramel swirl, but on his pubes. The receptionist almost called HR but then she realized “Holy shit, this is Ben Affleck” and immediately called the CEO of Dunkin’ to personally give him the caramel swirl treatment. Dunkin’ CEO David Hoffman went to town, dying the middle of Ben Affleck’s pubes a beautiful golden caramel color. To finish the look, he got some gorilla glue and formed a perfect swirl right in the middle of Ben’s pubic jungle. A very beautiful and very permanent caramel swirl. Ben thanked him for his work and he’s been rocking the caramel swirl ever since. A low maintenance, high drama look for a low maintenance high drama guy. So next time you’re thinking of ordering an iced coffee with caramel swirl from Dunkin’, let the image of Ben Affleck’s luscious, stiff, caramel colored pubes be your guide. Thank you Ben, and thank you Dunkin’ for creating two equally stunning and equally edible caramel masterpieces. Werther’s can rot in hell.

Britney. Motherfucking. Spears. Princess of Pop. Inventor of belly button rings. This bitch needs no introduction. If you don’t know who Britney Spears is, I’m sorry I can’t help you. Stop reading this and go back to writing your 300 page manifesto in the woods. I look forward to seeing your haggard face on Dateline once the Feds get your ass. But for us cultured folk, Britney is everything. A living legend who has seen and done it all. She’s survived teen stardom, countless scandals, a marriage to Kevin Federline, and one unforgettable mental breakdown. But more recently, she’s been helping us all get through quarantine with her weird Instagram posts. Nothing soothes my existential dread about the state of the world quite like watching Britney Spears casually mention how she burned down her home gym because she forgot to blow out a candle. But what started as a lighthearted fascination with the life of a pop star who’s past her prime has turned into a full-blown movement as details about Britney’s current financial situation have come to light. In case you didn’t know-- Britney has been in a legal conservatorship since early 2008 in which her father, Jamie Spears, has complete control over her personal decisions and finances. And now Britney’s sister Jamie-Lynn (aka little miss I Ruined Zoey 101) wants to get control over the estate. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “literally what the fuck is going on here?” And do her pubes have something to do with it? Obviously they must! Now without further ado… IT’S BRITNEY BITCH.

Okay, let’s get into it. I’d like to start out by saying that I’m genuinely surprised we haven’t seen Britney’s pubes yet. The girl loves a low-rise jean. But alas, they’ve never made their red-carpet debut. But don’t worry, I’m here to paint a picture that’s worth a thousand paparazzi pussy pics. As previously mentioned, Britney’s dad has had her life locked up since 2008, shortly after her infamous mental breakdown. But why does he still have control 12 years later? And what does Britney do all day locked up in her Thousand Oaks estate?

To put it bluntly—she spins her pubes into gold. If this sounds like the fairytale “Rumplestiltskin” to you, that’s because it is. Rumplestiltskin was actually based on Britney Spear’s life. As a young girl, Britney’s dad knew she was special and so he sold her soul to an evil capitalist mouse so she could be in his club for hot and talented children, also known as The Mickey Mouse Club. After that, Britney became a teen pop sensation and her dad was able to keep the greedy mouse happy. But as time went on, Britney was pushed to her limit. The mouse wanted MORE and our girl Brit wanted OUT. So, she shaved her head and went absolutely off with that umbrella in the hopes of escaping the pressure her father was putting on her. But what Britney didn’t realize was that her dumbass dad signed an eternal contract with a fucking mouse and didn’t even read the fine print. Which is insane because in mouse law everything is in fine print. So he read nothing. Maybe if he had gotten a mouse lawyer then he would’ve realized that he needed to pay the mouse whether Britney was working or not. So he gained control of Britney’s life and started siphoning money to send to his rodent overlord.

But things still weren’t looking good. Britney’s mental health was in decline and she started rambling on about her “golden pubes”. But the thing is—she wasn’t crazy. She actually had golden pubes. A fact no one knew because her stylists have been waxing off her pubes since she hit puberty. (If there’s one thing that can ruin a pop star’s career, it’s the hairy reminder that she is, in fact, a grown woman). It wasn’t until after her breakdown that Britney really had time to collect her thoughts and sit with her pubes. She combed them, braided them, made a little shampoo mohawk out of them, and then, finally, she decided to put them on a spinning machine (her Peloton bike) and she spun them into gold. Each little strand would go in brown and come out solid gold. Sounds impossible until you remember that Selena Gomez produces absolute shit records that also somehow come out gold.

Britney was enjoying her little hobby until one day her dad came across one of her solid gold pubes and realized that his daughter wasn’t crazy—she can actually spin her pubes into gold. He immediately contacted his friend Johnny at Cash for Gold to see if he would accept his daughters shimmering pubes. Johnny regretfully informed him that Cash for Gold doesn’t buy pubes anymore. Not even from celebrities. “Johnny, you got it all wrong”, Britney’s dad probably said, “these aren’t just any pubes, these are solid gold pubes. Not a hair in sight.” Johnny was torn. He’d been burnt by the promise of solid gold pubes before. But he decided to trust his old friend and accept the gold pubic hair in return for cold hard cash.

And so, the gold pube-to-cash pipeline was established. Johnny was happy, Britney’s dad was happy, and soon, the mouse would be happy too. Lining his tiny mouse pockets with dirty pube money. But what about Britney? She owned the means of production (her crotch), after all. Sadly, the terms of her conservatorship dictate that her father can do whatever he wants with her precious golden pubes. And while Brit and her lawyers have worked tirelessly to get out of it, they’ve made no headway. That might be because her lawyers are mice, but still. (Because of the aforementioned mouse law incident Britney always hires mice lawyers to ensure she’s never screwed over by the fine print). Her family continues to claim that she is unable to care for herself. But I ask you this, could a girl who is unable to care for herself release multiple perfume lines, go on multiple tours, headline a Vegas residency AND spin her pubes into solid gold? I don’t think so. Britney Spear’s conservatorship is a disgusting, exploitative legal overreach that needs to be dissolved. Let her dad kick it “Evian Water Guy from Fyre Fest-Style” and take one for the team if he needs to pay that mouse. It’s what he deserves. *Nick Cage in National Treasure voice* “We’re going to free Britney Spears”.

Cardi B. Rapper. Icon. Mother of Kulture and creator of culture. A woman who has 5 inch neon talons and is somehow still able to wipe her ass. We stan a queen. Cardi B rocketed to fame after her smash hit single “Bodak Yellow” dropped all the way back in ye olden times aka 2017. You remember 2017, right? When the only question your parents had about Cardi B was “is that a car?”. And now we’re 6 months into a global pandemic and I’m having to explain what a “WAP” is to my grandparents on their socially distant 50th anniversary Zoom party. Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that Cardi’s come a long way since 2017, and now she’s taunting us by dropping “WAP” while were all cooped up and horny like a bunch of 12 year old boys who just saw an animated graphic of what happens to girls bodies during puberty. But Cardi is so much more than her music. This bitch is political. Ben Shaprio hates her, Bernie Sanders loves her, and she somehow managed to carry on a conversation with Joe Biden that miraculously didn’t end with him saying “If you don’t vote for me, you got a dry ass pussy!”. So, does Cardi B have some Wonderful Ass Pubes to match her WAP? Bring a bucket and a mop and let’s dive in.

Look, I know Cardi posted about getting her pubic hair professionally lasered off back in 2019. Let’s be real—Cardi would be the only celebrity I write an article about that has actually publicly talked about their pubes. To say that Cardi is an open book is an understatement. The girl is an open book that’s annotated, available in 50 languages, on audible, complete with an introduction, prologue, epilogue, foreword, afterword and glossary. That being said, Cardi didn’t give us the whole story when she went on Instagram live to stream her bushwhacking.

After every last pube was lasered off, Cardi felt a twinge of sadness fall over her, knowing that she’d never see her little curly friends ever again. Sure, she was smoother than a dolphin down there and could glide across her glass coffee table without using her arms or legs (every woman’s dream). But what she quickly learned was that she couldn’t stop sliding. In the words of Ben Shapiro, her “p-word” was too wet. Which, according to Ben Shapiro’s doctor wife, is indicative of an undiagnosed disease. Now I’m no doctor, but someone really needs to tell Mrs. Shapiro to get well soon because jealousy is a disease, sweetie! It’s not our fault you married a petulant child who has you drier than an opened box of Matzo on the 8th day of Passover!

Okay, back to Cardi B’s Grizzly Bear Rapids-esque vagina. As I said before, Cardi did not anticipate the adverse effects that accompany a smooth snatch. She missed the friction, protection, and absorbency that a full bush provided her. She was literally having to bring a tiny bucket and a tiny mop for her wet ass pussy! That shit just isn’t practical. And Cardi B is the queen of practicality. Why do you think she bought her two year old daughter a Birkin bag? TO CARRY HER LOOSE CHEERIOS, DUH!

So Cardi came up with a practical solution to her pubeless WAP problem. She commissioned a state of the art, microfiber ShamWoW merkin. You know those big spinning things at the car wash with all the little strips of fabric that help dry your car? Imagine that crossed with Cookie Monster. Which is fitting because Cardi B likes to animate her pussy in bed and it kinda talks like Cookie Monster (“me no want cookie, me want the dick! om nom nom nom…”). And so Cardi’s shaggy little merkin sits atop her WAP, allowing her to control just how wet it gets. Sure, it may make her look like a Dr. Sues character when she’s naked, but Dr. Sues is Offset’s favorite author so it works out. And yes ladies, it’s machine washable!

The Jonas Brothers. Yes, all three of them. In our first ever CelebriPubes ménage à trois we’ll examine the newly reunited musical incest-fest that is the Jonas Brothers. The JoBros have been through a lot and they’re here to tell you they’re back and they have girlfriends now! They truly have it all, musical talent, Christian family values, boyish charms that somehow haven’t become creepy now that they’re adult men, and Kevin. Yeah, I said it, Kevin matters! But are these brothers as close down there as they are when they make public appearances on late night talk shows together? Let’s find out.

Okay, I think it’s safe to say the only reason the Jonas Brothers are making a comeback is because one of them married Priyanka Chopra and they posted a bunch of pictures about it. But let’s be honest, who wouldn’t cash in on that beautiful multicultural display of everlasting love by selling all the photos to People Magazine? Anyways, it’s clear that Nick’s the star of the show now that he has the hottest partner. (Sorry, Joe, but who the fuck is Sophie Turner?). So what does this mean for their pubes?

Absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, the JoBros pubes haven’t changed much since their early Disney days—and they never will. Back when the trio was just starting out, and the idea of a song outselling Kelly Clarkson was an actual accomplishment (re: “Year 3000”), the Jonas Brothers had an experimental procedure done to their newly-formed short and curlies. In a genuine attempt to keep them virginal till marriage, the execs at Disney decided to inject the brothers with a near-lethal amount of Biotin, right in the crotch. If you don’t know what Biotin is, congrats, you haven’t been bombarded by Kardashian pics of Sugar Bear Hair vitamins on Instagram.

The idea was that if the Jonas Brothers pubes were so long, bushy, and truly disgusting, no person would voluntarily wade through the hair to find their “Little Jonases”, and no, I’m not talking about their little brother Frankie—I’m talking about their dicks. These thick, incredibly long pubes proved to be a more effective purity ring than the one on their fingers. Ladies, I know what you’re thinking. “But I would totally hack my way through Nick’s pubes like I’m Indiana Jones trynna raid the lost ark!”. And I commend your bravery; but girl you don’t know what you’re up against. Each Jonas brother has pubes that grow .02 inches a minute, that’s 1.2 inches an hour for those of you who can’t do basic math. Seems impossible, but keep in mind that this procedure came from the same genius minds that made Selena Gomez a respected singer.

Unfortunately for the Jonas Brothers, the treatment still hasn’t worn off. If any of them go even one day without hacking off all of their pubes, we’ll be seeing them peaking through the bottoms of their perfectly-cuffed slacks. They’re that long. And so, the Jonas Brothers are condemned to live a life attached to their favorite pube-trimming tools. For Joe, it’s gotta be the Gillette Fusion5 ProGlide, for Kevin, the Schick Quattro Titanium, and for Nick, nothing beats the gentle ease of the Gillette Venus Embrace Sensitive. The moral of this story is: don’t ever let an executive from the Disney Channel near your crotch but if you do, find a partner brave enough to bare the consequences with you. Daneille, Sophie, Priyanka—we salute you.

Pete Davidson. Pete was thrust into the spotlight after his whirlwind engagement to Ariana Grande, proving that women aren’t the only ones who can sleep their way to the top. Pete went from “Who?” to “Zaddy” faster than Kim K’s bowel movements after a cup of FitTea. As a society, we’ve learned a lot from Pete and Ariana’s relationship. We’ve learned that it might not be a great idea to get engaged to someone you’ve only been dating for 3 weeks. But more importantly, we’ve learned that Pete Davidson has a 10 inch schlong. A fact that anointed Pete the patron saint of Big Dick Energy, colloquially known as “BDE”. Pete may have Big Dick Energy, but does he have Big Pube Energy? Let’s find out.

 Okay, so we all know that Pete pulls women who are way out of his league despite looking like a used make-up wipe. His dick must be amazing! WRONG! It’s his pubes that keep the ladies coming back. Ironic, considering Pete is the human equivalent of a stray pube you’d find on the subway, or in a Subway. Regardless, Pete’s pubes have exactly what women want. No, not money, facemasks, shoes or basic human rights. Pete’s pubes have miniatures. Yeah, that’s right, MINIATURES.

Pete knows that every woman—regardless of race, religion, color or creed—is fucking obsessed with tiny shit. We’re talking tiny bottles of Tabasco, we’re talking mini sheep figurines, we’re talking a plate of Sushi so small a mouse couldn’t even call it a meal. We’re talking s m o l. Pete keeps these teeny tiny treasures all tied up in his otherwise thick and thriving pube bush—little surprises for women to find and ogle at. Ladies, imagine unzipping a man’s jeans expecting to give a half-hearted blow job when BAM a mini succulent pops out to greet you. “Awww” is right. That shit is cute as fuck. And suddenly, you’re engaged to the man, writing songs about him, and posing next to him in a Harry Potter robe you had to dig out of that one box of stuff your parents keep to remember who you were before you became a complete disappointment. Pete’s pubes prove that he’s a sensitive man with an acute understanding of the female mind. And if that ain’t Big Pube Energy then I don’t know what is.

Steve Harvey. You know and love him as the host of the various daytime talk shows that play on loop in the waiting area of your dentist’s office. Nothing gets me hyped for a root canal quite like watching Steve Harvey make a vaguely sexual comment about a middle aged woman’s breasts on live television. But honestly, Steve is so much more than his on-screen persona. He’s a husband, a best selling author, and an iconic mustache haver. Seriously, what’s more iconic than Steve Harvey’s thick, girthy mustache? Huh, I really don’t know, this one’s got me stumped. NOT! Obviously the only thing that could be more iconic than Steve’s upper-lip foliage is his upper-dick foliage. And by upper-dick foliage I mean his pubes. Let’s get ready to play the feud, baby. 

Let’s start this off by stating the obvious—Steve Harvey, sexually, is quite the man of mystery. Oh is that not obvious to you? I guess that’s why I’m the expert and you’re my little Pube-pils. Gather ‘round and listen up sweet Pube-splorers because I’m about to blow your minds. So Steve Harvey has been married for many years, but c’mon, the man exudes sex appeal. One look at that face and suddenly you’re questioning every life decision you’ve made that led you to this point, this moment where your loins and your brain can’t quite come to an agreement. Your brain says “What are you doing? It’s Steve Harvey. The man is completely bald and started a dating site intended to teach women how to become dateable, what a jerk!” but your crotch says “Me wanty Steve Harvey”. And that’s okay, that’s perfectly normal. Because the mustache on Steve Harvey’s face isn’t any ordinary stache. In fact, it isn’t even a stache at all, it’s his pubes.

You see, ever since Steve Harvey went bald, so did his face. He lost all the hair on his head and he wasn’t even able to grow facial hair to distract from his shiny dome. But while Steve’s top half was cursed, Steve’s bottom half was blessed. Blessed with the thickest, most face-like hair the world has ever seen. And so Steve underwent hair transplant surgery to fill both the void inside himself and the void between his nose and mouth. Fortunately, the doctors were able to take a perfect mustache-shaped swath straight from Steve’s impressive pubic lawn. They attached it directly to his face and the rest is history!

As for Steve’s pubes, they’ve never quite recovered from the procedure. There remains a mustache-shaped bald patch right in the middle of what was once a thriving oasis of luscious, billowing pubes. While much was sacrificed, much was gained. Today, we salute those brave pubes that sit atop Steve’s lips. God bless Steve Harvey’s pube-stache and God bless America.

Gwenyth Paltrow. We love to hate Gwenyth for her bougie “wellness” company, Goop, for ever being associated with Coldplay, and for naming her daughter after a piece of fruit. But let’s be real—Gwenyth doesn’t give a fuck about any of us and is probably on a beach somewhere sipping CBD-infused kombucha while the creator of Glee gives her a foot rub. The creator of Glee is Gwenyth’s new husband, okay? Get with it. But when Gwenyth isn’t lounging on a beach or selling jade vagina eggs to rich white women on the verge of divorce, she’s working hard as the face of Coach! Yup, Coach. Somehow it’s still a thing and so is Gwenyth. Regardless, I think we can all say that Gwenyth has her beautiful, slender fingers in many pies (don’t worry—they’re organic). But with so much going on, I’m worried for Gwenyth’s pubes. Are they okay? Let’s ask the question many male journalists love to ask successful women in entertainment: Can Gwenyth Paltrow truly have it all?

Gwenyth is a very “spiritual” woman. Identifying as spiritual is a way to let both religious people and atheists know that you’re better than them. Or, at the very least, that you’re down to try ayahuasca. But with such a busy schedule, Gwenyth struggles to fit spirituality into her daily life, aside from Hot Yoga after dropping Apple and Moses off at therapy. She also struggles to keep her pube game on lock. So Gwenyth, being the innovative genius that she is, decided to combine her spiritual practices with her pubic grooming. Every full moon Gwenyth embarks on a cleansing journey that results in a full heart and a bare crotch. Let’s be real—it had to be bare. Anyone who’s ever seen Gwenyth Paltrow’s face can tell she’s balder than Howie Mandel down there. But it’s not about the result, its about the process. Once the full moon rises, Gwenyth sneaks out onto her seaside balcony armed with nothing but a pair of tweezers. Then, when the time is right and the light is bright, the ceremony begins. Gwenyth gingerly plucks out each of her pubes, one by one. With every pube she plucks, she thanks it for its service, closes her eyes, makes a wish, and blows it into the abyss. That pube is no longer Gwenyth’s; it belongs to the universe now. Gwenyth keeps at this, making wish after wish, until every pube is gone. Finally, she’s emptied her soul and can rest easy knowing that her little pube strands are out in the world, undoubtedly making it a better place. Namaste, Gwen. Namaste.

Elon Musk. Inventor. Entrepreneur. Cool guy who smokes weed on podcasts. Basically everything your annoying, deadbeat cousin uses to describe himself at family gatherings to distract from the fact that he still lives in your aunt’s basement and hasn’t graduated community college. Greg if you’re reading this get a job you fucking loser. Anyways, Elon Musk is clearly a force to be reckoned with. Designing spaceships? Being low-key Republican? Finding Grimes attractive? Damn, more things in common with my cousin Greg. Crazy how Elon Musk is one of the richest people on the planet and my cousin Greg sells his sister’s used underwear to randos on craigslist. Clearly there’s more to Elon’s story than meets the eye. And no, I’m not talking about his genius IQ. I’m talking about his pubes.

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Elon’s a pretty busy man, he probably doesn’t put much thought into his pubic situation”. Well I’m here to tell you that you’re absolutely right. In fact, the man hasn’t seen his pubes in years. *GASP*. Where are they, if not perched above his precious pink penis? Oh they’re there. They’re just hidden under 2 inches of bulletproof stainless steel. That’s right, Elon Musk’s pubes are tucked away behind a beautiful, state-of-the-art, custom made chastity belt. When Elon was a mere 18 years of age, he swore off women forever and designed a chastity belt for himself to ensure that he would never waver in his commitment to remain a stone cold virgin for life. You see, High School wasn’t easy for Elon. Sure he aced all of his classes with barely any effort, but what good were straight A’s when all you really wanted was a nice pair of perky C’s? Sick and tired of the constant rejection he faced from women, Elon vowed he would never, ever make love to someone as stuck up and ungrateful as the women who rejected him in High School. So he slapped on his chastity belt and threw away the key.

Years went by and the only complaint Elon had about his chastity belt was that it kinda chaffed in the summer. But then something major happened, something that would change Elon’s life forever. He got hella rich. All of a sudden women who used to treat Elon like stale box of Triscuits were starting to treat him with the respect he deserved. Like a stale box of Triscuits with a billion dollars inside. And just like that, Elon was converted. He loved women now, chastity belt and all. So why didn’t he get rid of the chastity belt once he started dating women? Because he threw away the damn key and is entirely too embarrassed to go to a doctor and ask to have it removed. No one can know that Elon Musk, Sex God, was once an avowed virgin! To this day, the only people who know Elon’s dirty steel secret are his many beautiful, young lovers. BUT WAIT! How does Elon blow their minds in bed if his sexy space pistol is all locked up? He uses a beautiful, state-of-the-art, custom-made strap on. Yup, you heard it here first, Elon Musk makes love to women using the same device your mother used to peg your dad for their 30th anniversary. So does that mean that Elon Musk is still *technically* a virgin? Yeah, he is. But does that mean he doesn’t get pussy? Absolutely not. The man is a legend and I’m definitely not being paid by SpaceX to say that. While we don’t know exactly what Elon Musk’s pubes look like, they’ve definitely taught us an important life lesson. That somethings in life aren’t knowable, and that we must take life’s uncertainties like Grime’s takes Elon’s state of the art strap on. With grace and humility. 

Tilda Swinton. You may know Tilda from her prolific career as an actress in niche art house films; or you may know her from having to explain to your dad that yes, she is a woman, and no, she isn’t Conan O’Brien (really dad, I promise). Regardless, Tilda is an androgynous queen who can go from playing a horny-ass magazine editor in Trainwreck to playing some creepy bald bitch in Doctor Strange real quick, all the while serving us used Q-Tip realness. I think we can all agree, Tilda’s got range. But what we really want to know is…does she have the bush to match?

Look, we can all admit that the topic of Tilda Swinton’s pubes has kept us up at night. What the fuck could they possibly look like? I mean seriously? Are they blonde? Blue? Invisible? Even your psychiatrist can’t seem to get to the bottom of it and you guys have been bouncing ideas off each other for months now. But it’s okay; I have the answers so you and Dr. Brenda can get back to talking about your crippling depression. While it wouldn’t be far off to think of Tilda’s pubes as other worldly, somewhere between steel wool and glow in the dark Floam, that is sadly not the case.

Tilda has what we in the “medical” community call “Benjamin Button Pubes” or “BBP”. This means that Tilda was born with the bush of a 93 year old woman. A medical marvel, Tilda’s pubes seem to go back in time, becoming more and more youthful with every passing second. We can only imagine the shame felt by a young Tilda who, at the ripe age of 7, was already getting a weekly bikini wax. “Why am I not like the other kids?”, tiny Tilda would ask. “Because, sweetie. You’re special. Now lift your leg so I can get the taint”, the Brazilian wax specialist would say.

So if Tilda was born with a wise old lady crotch, where does she stand now? In 2018, I suspect Tilda’s pubes are about that of a spry 36 year old. However, because of all the waxing, Tilda is no longer able to grow hair near her bikini line, leaving a near perfect triangle of luscious, platinum blonde pubes. I’d like to take some time to commend Tilda on her pubic journey, and wish her the best of luck as she enters the time in her life when she’ll have to say goodbye to each of her precious pubes as they each fall out, one by one, leaving behind the crotch of a pre-pubescent toddler. Godspeed, Tilda. Godspeed.

Tom Cruise, the quintessential movie star whose handsome face somehow keeps him employed despite being 5’6” and a known Scientologist. Tom Cruise’s career may be impressive, but his alleged OT 8 status in the Church of Scientology is the real accomplishment. Who gives a fuck about all that Mission: Impossible money when you’ve been guaranteed immortality and a first-class seat on alien overlord Xenu’s pimped out spaceship in heaven? And you know they’ve already got it set up with a shockingly realistic Katie Holmes sex robot and a stolen animatronic doll from “It’s a Small World” that sorta looks like Suri Cruise. But anyways, we’re not here to talk about that, although I’m sure the Katie Holmes’s robot has a truly breathtaking bush. We’re here on a purely journalistic mission to unpack what is surely the source of Tom Cruise’s immortal stardom: his pubes.

Okay, so we all know Tom Cruise has an extremely groomed look with never an eyebrow hair out of place, so his pubes must be immaculate. If it were up to him I’d imagine they’d be plucked and polished 24/7. The type of pubes you could eat a meal off of, no problem. But it’s not up to him. After signing his soul over to a hologram of deceased Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, Cruise was forced to abide by Scientology’s most secret and sacred code: honor thy pubes. According to this code, Tom Cruise is not allowed to groom his pubes in any way, not even a little in the taint. In Scientology, the pubes are an essential part of the immortal being and must be treated with the utmost respect. It’s kinda like beards in Islam, except its a beard for your dong. And how could we forget when Tom Cruise allegedly underwent penis enlargement surgery “for a role”. I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember seeing Tom Cruise’s freshly puffed-up schlong in Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation, but hey, maybe the scene where he uses it to disarm a car bomb was cut post-production. However, the more likely explanation is that he had the procedure done because his pube game was starting to overpower his dick game. I mean, what’s a man to do when you looked hologram L. Ron Hubbard straight in the pixilated eye and swore to never lay a finger on your prized Schick Quattro Trimstyle Razor ever again? Clearly his only option was to undergo penis enlargement surgery if he wanted to keep his dick-to-pube ratio in check, and that’s something we all can respect. Tom Cruise has taught us a beautiful lesson here: if you can’t change your pubes, change your dick.

Martha Stewart. The baddest bitch in the home decor game who can make a beautiful shiv out of literally any household item. And monogram that shit so the last thing you see before blacking out is a cursive “MS” going directly into your spleen. We also know that she can fuck shit up in the stock market regardless of whether or not it’s “legal”. Your mother loves her hand towels, your father loves her sturdy, yet feminine physique and now it’s finally time for America to love her pubes.

It’s pretty obvious that Martha Stewart is a highly complex woman of many talents. As such, her pube situation is pretty complicated and similarly nuanced. While I don’t know what her pubes looked like pre-prison, I can say that her time in that Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia made a lasting mark on her pubic style, literally. While in prison, Martha Stewart shaved all of her pubes and replaced them with a tattooed landing strip. This was more of a strategic move than one of stylistic preference, as it showed the other inmates that although Martha Stewart could easily whip up the moistest pot roast you’ve ever tasted, she’s nobody’s bitch wife.

She achieved this look by commissioning the best prison tattoo artist she could find in exchange for the recipe for her famous “Prison Sink Mac n’ Cheese”*. Now some of you may be thinking that this style seems a little too hard to be kept by post-prison Martha, and you’re right, it is. In order to seamlessly transition back to her former domesticated self, Martha did what all bored housewives do: picked up her knitting needles and got down to fucking business. She knitted herself a full blown crotch rug and wears that bad boy to hide her tattooed landing strip alter-ego. Made from that signature Martha Stewart Collection blue yarn, the knitted masterpiece also serves as a pot-holder. God damn, she’s done it again.

*Coming soon to the frozen food section of your local grocery store!

Coming Soon!

Justin Bieber. Tween Heartthrob turned embarrassment to white people everywhere turned certified Jesus Freak. Bieber’s rise to fame is at worst emblematic of why we need stricter border control in Canada and at best a tear-jerking variation on the American Dream that could be put in a pamphlet titled, “So You Wanna be a Citizen?”. Regardless, we all know Bieber can charm a group of pre-teens better than Roman Polanski ever could. So I can’t help but wonder what his pube situation is because let’s be real, that’s all that really matters in Hollywood. So kiss that poster of the Biebs you still have hanging in your childhood bedroom and prepare to be changed. Let’s talk pubes.

Aight, so we all know that purple is like the unofficial color of the “Beliebers” movement but ever since it was leaked that Oprah has purple pubes it’s now the official pube color of bored housewives everywhere. But that’s not rock n roll and we know the Biebs is a hardened, misunderstood artist so he doesn’t fuck with that. You may have noticed that Justin always has that semi-constipated, just woke up, dazed and confused look on his face. You know it, mouth open, chin up and eyes squinted like he’s trying to read the Taco Bell menu at 2am. Real cute shit. However, the explanation for this jacked up facial expression lies in, you guessed it, his pubes. Justin Bieber has a pube-weave. For those of you who don’t know what a weave is google it because I’m not fucking Wikipedia. The pop star gets the full weave treatment to ensure his pubes are pure perfection. However, this perfection comes at a price, costing Bieber upwards of $100,000* per month, not to mention the discomfort that his private parts endure and his face displays. Bieber goes for a more natural look, getting a few tracks of beautiful dark brown crotch-fro put in every couple months.

Where does the hair come from, you ask? Great question. Justin imports the wool of black sheep from the rolling hills of Northern Ireland where he has a team of 5 shepherds (who Justin calls “my real-life Jesuses”) working round the clock to find and harvest the finest pube-making materials. Being the purist that he is, Bieber keeps the length of the wool natural, as it would appear on your average black sheep before sheering. If you need a stronger visual just look up a picture of a black sheep and mentally replace the head of the sheep with the head of Bieber’s penis.

As you can imagine, Justin’s pubes weren’t that full to start out with, but I’m not going to make one of those jokes about him being pre-pubescent. The reason for his naturally sparse pube-game is that he accidentally burned them off multiple times when trying to light a bong in the nude with his squad. So it’s a bit more pathetic than just not having the hormonal makeup to grow a full bush. But hey, when life hands you a burned crotch, make a pube weave.

*This figure is most-likely inaccurate.

Coming Soon!

Coming Soon!

Coming Soon!